Having loving grandparents is a blessing for all children. The importance of this relationship is supported by reams of research showing that children with the support of loving grandparents have a greater sense of family and self-worth. I have always believed that there can never be too many loving adults in a child’s life. But sometimes it has been hard to remember this. My mother-in-law had two sons and no daughters. So when my Colleen was born, my mother-in-law was beaming. She couldn’t wait to buy her all the little-girl clothes and toys, ribbons, and bows in the world. She also wanted to spend a lot of time with her new granddaughter. That was a problem for me. This new grandma believed that it was her divine right (and even duty!) to spoil her granddaughter in every way possible. She did not care that sweets before dinner would ruin a little girl’s appetite. It didn’t matter if playing in mud would destroy good clothes. As long as Colleen was happy, that’s all that mattered. When Grandma got the chance to spend a few hours alone with her granddaughter, she would nod and smile as I gave her my list of dos and don’ts, and then thoroughly enjoy spoiling her by breaking every rule I set. We had many disagreements over our different views of child rearing—that I now regret. My mother-in-law died recently and my children (and I) miss her terribly. I now realize that the love she gave my daughter was far more important and valuable than the fact that the way she chose to give it was different from my own. I should have found a better way to compromise and balance her parenting style with my own.One area that often needs rather heavy-handed balancing is the issue of gender stereotypes in toys and clothing. Thanks to the feminist movement in the 1970s, today’s grandparents are far more aware of unnecessary gender stereotypes than in generations past. But when it comes to their own grandchildren, you may find that your parents and in-laws have some views that differ from your own. Maureen O’Brien, Ph.D., director of parenting and child development at The First Years, Inc., in Avon, Massachusetts and author of Watch Me Grow: I’m One-Two-Three says that from birth to age two, a baby is learning who she is as a person and what it means to be a girl. As a developmental psychologist, she points out that any adult who spends a good amount of time with your daughter will influence her development. “Your daughter’s grandparents come into the picture with a whole set of expectations: what they think babies should be like, what kind of activities they should be involved in, what kind of personality is ‘appropriate’ for the gender of the baby,” O’Brien observes. “They might also bring their own dashed expectations from when they were parents: maybe they wanted a daughter but had only boys, maybe they wanted a daughter who would play dress up, but got a tree climber instead. Like parents, grandparents bring a whole lifetime of experience to their relationship with the baby. This can be wonderful if those expectations are in line with what you want your child to be exposed to, but it can be quite a challenge if you don’t agree.” O’Brien feels that during infancy is a good time to hash out this difference of opinion because your daughter isn’t yet aware of the push-pull that may go on between you and your own parents. Butby toddlerhood, she will be very much aware of any differences you have. This is the time to explain yourself if you have strong feelings about the kinds of toys and clothing that grandparents should give to your daughter, or the kinds of play activities that are or are not appropriate. For example, some parents feel strongly that fairy tales are very sexist and stereotypical. Your daughter won’t notice this yet, but if these are the kind of stories she hears from infancy on, by the time she is three or four years old she will pick up the stereotypes and will act out the part. Your daughter will see herself as the helpless damsel in distress, and she will see boys as the heroes, the conquerors, and the saviors. When grandparents insist on reading and rereading these tales to babies, a battle often erupts. The fight may be a worthy one, but O’Brien believes it’s probably a losing one. “If you want to bring up your child in a gender-neutral world,” she says, “the reality is you don’t have a chance because the world is not gender-neutral. You have to be realistic and realize that there is a whole world of influence that will show your children gender stereotypes.” In fact, O’Brien says that by themselves these stereotypes are not necessarily a bad thing. In their neutral form, they are just another way to categorize things. When kids are first starting to learn about the world, they do it in many ways: big things, little things; loud things, quiet things; girl things, boy things. It is a helpful way for them to put order in their world. Labeling is natural and harmless. It’s when a category becomes biased that it can become troublesome. Girls are dainty and therefore helpless; boys are brave and therefore never cry. We contribute to this kind of gender bias when we scold our little boys for trying on Mommy’s shoes or tell our daughters that they can’t help Daddy with the yard work because girls shouldn’t get dirty. So if your daughter’s grandparents are stuck on gender stereotypes and buy her only pink and frilly clothing and fairy-tale books, they’re not going to create a problem that isn’t in the world at large and that will touch your child eventually anyway. O’Brien saw this in her own family. “I gave my baby boys plenty of dolls,” she says, “but as they grew into the grade school years, they tossed them aside and spent more time with trucks. I can’t blame myself or anyone else for that. But now that they’re ten years old I do notice that they have less stereotypical ideas than boys of my generation. When I talk about a doctor, for example, they will ask, ‘Is it a boy or a girl doctor?’ The fact that they can ask that question shows me that my efforts have given them some degree of gender respect, and that, after all, was my goal.” If Grandma and Grandpa have stereotypical ideas and argue that you should throw away your daughter’s construction set and buy her a doll, you don’t have to let this difference of opinion escalate into a major battle. When they arrive with one more doll or pink dress, just say thanks with a smile and add it to the pile. When the grandparents leave, you can offer your daughter a balanced experience with gender-neutral toys as well. You’ll find that as your daughter grows she will be exposed to many things you don’t like but can’t control. Your goal in all these situations should be to make your home the place where she learns she is valued and loved as a person regardless of the toys she plays with or the style of clothes she wears.
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