Sweet Dreams

We all have a biological clock that governs our sleep-wake cycles, making us sleepy at certain times and wakeful at others. Our sleepwake clock is “set” each day by darkness and light, especially exposure to bright morning light. Newborns do not have this biological rhythm and will wake and sleep around the clock regardless of daylight or nightfall. Then, usually by three months of age, they develop an internal sleep-wake clock. You can help your daughter set her internal clock to better match your own simply by putting her to bed and waking her at the same time every day. A consistent waking time seems to be especially important to setting this clock and forming good sleep patterns. Some babies develop regular sleep-wake patterns as early as six or eight weeks, but usually these patterns emerge around three or four months. At that age, most babies average three to five hours of sleep during the day, usually grouped into two or three naps, and ten to twelve hours at night, usually with an interruption or two for feeding. It wasn’t long before I discovered what the phrase sleep through the night really means. It is defined as sleeping five hours in a row. So if I put my babies down at 9 .., and they were up again at 2 .., they had slept “through the night” and I didn’t even know it! With this in mind, it’s probably best to put your daughter down for the night as close to midnight as possible.It may seem unnecessary to teach a baby how to fall asleep—most do a pretty good job of that without any lessons. But if your daughter is six months old and still calling for you in the middle of the night, she needs to learn how to fall asleep by herself. If you always rock, feed, or soothe her to sleep, you take away her natural ability to self-soothe and therefore cause her to be more dependent on you. I was the world’s worst offender in this department. I had unknowingly taught my son Joey to connect my presence with falling asleep. Then, if I was not able (or willing) to always rock or feed him back to sleep, he would cry through the night. This middle child was two years old before he finally slept from nighttime to daybreak. That blessed event happened only after I took him to a crying-baby clinic I saw advertised in the newspaper. I was at my wits’ end and would do anything to make this child sleep by himself. At the clinic I met Charles Schaefer, Ph.D., who offered me a plan. His method actually worked, and eventually I helped him write the book Teach Your Baby to Sleep Through the Night. Here are the basics: 1. Say goodnight. When you put your daughter to bed for the night, say goodnight and leave the bedroom before your child is asleep. Keep reminding yourself that your daughter is capable of falling asleep on her own without your help. You just have to teach her how. The bedroom should be exactly the same when you first saygoodnight as it will be when your daughter wakes up in the middle of the night: no overhead light, no music, no parent. 2. Wait. If your daughter cries when you leave at bedtime or awakens crying at night, wait five minutes before responding. 3. Check. Make a quick check on her to reassure yourself that she is all right. This quick check should be just that—quick. Stay with your daughter only one or two minutes to clean up any mess or to make sure she is not feverish, in pain, too hot, or too cold. Do not pick her up. Rather: Get up close to her. Establish eye contact. Maintain a neutral facial expression. Use a firm voice to say her name and give a simple, direct command such as, “Go to sleep.” Do not scream, become hostile, or hit her. Do not sympathize, hug, or show your own distress. 4. Check again. If the crying persists for another twenty minutes after the first check, go again to check on your daughter and remind her that you expect sleep, not crying, at this hour. Do not feed, rock, or pick her up. Leave again before she is asleep. Repeat this procedure of briefly checking on your daughter after every twenty-minute crying spell for as long as it takes her to finally get tired and fall asleep. If she is crying softly or whimpering at the end of a twenty-minute period, do not go and check because she is probably close to falling asleep on her own. Twenty minutes seems to be optimal length of time to let infant night-wakers cry. On many occasions, they will fall back to sleep on their own after ten to fifteen minutes. 5. Stick to the daily schedule. Awaken your daughter at her usual time in the morning. Do not allow her to sleep any later regardless of how little sleep you or she had the night before. Also, keep her daily nap schedule intact. Do not allow her to take more or longer naps during the day. As tempting as it will be to make up for lost sleep during the day, try to resist. Doing so will disturb the wake-sleep rhythms you’re trying to develop to ensure a good night’s sleep. Dr. Schaefer expected that this routine would teach my son to put himself to sleep within three nights. It took a grueling five, but it was worth it! I had had two years of being sleep deprived, exhausted, and irritable. It was time to do something about it. Besides, (I kept reminding myself), Dr. Schaefer said that a baby’s learning to calm herself can be a step in a little girl’s long path to independence, fostering a sense of competence and self-confidence. As long it occurs in the context of a close, loving relationship, it causes no emotional damage. If after trying this method for one week (without giving in occasionally), your six-month-old continues to wake up several times each night and cry for your attention, talk to your pediatrician about it. There may be something else bothering her.