Toilet Training

We all know that none of our kids will arrive at their high school graduation in diapers. But for some of us, the process of getting them toilet trained can seem so long and difficult that it’s almost impossible to imagine that day. My daughter was almost two and a half years old when she announced that she didn’t want to wear diapers anymore. I had not even begun to toilet train her because we were in the process of moving to a new house and timing potty trips and cleaning accidents would have been too much for me at this time. But Colleen insisted she was ready. I bargained with her for just a little more time. “When we move into the new house,” I promised, “we’ll throw away the diapers and you’ll use the toilet like a big girl.” A few weeks later, we walked into our new home weighted down with stacks of boxes as, Colleen ran through the house yelling, “Where’s the bathroom? Where’s the bathroom?” She was ready. The decision about when to start toilet training is a very individual one that depends on personal, social, and even day-care factors. But there is no one “right” time. In the 1920s and 1930s, many parents used a very strict and early approach that is far different from what most parents use today. A 1935 publication by the U.S. Children’s Bureau suggested that toilet training should begin shortly after birth. “If not,” it continued, “it should always be begun by the third month and be completed by the eighth month.” Can you imagine even trying that? In the 1940s and 1950s, attitudes became a bit more permissive and parents were encouraged to wait until the child was eight months old to begin training. Then, when most households had their own washing machines in the 1960s and when diapers became disposable in the 1970s, toilet training moved into the second and third year, when a child is most capable of controlling these physical functions. Here are some general guidelines about timing that I learned while writing the book called Toilet Training Without Tears with Charles Schaefer, Ph.D. They may help you better understand your child’s capabilities at this time: One Year: A child may attain dryness after a nap. She may show annoyance at being wet at certain times of the day. Fifteen Months: Some children like to sit on the toilet and may pass urine or a bowel movement (BM); at other times they may resist. Their ability to retain urine and BMs has lengthened to a span of two or three hours. However, placing a child on the toilet may cause her to tense and withhold urine, and she may then release it as soon as she is removed from the toilet. One to Two Years: Children attain nighttime bowel control. Eighteen Months: A child can respond with a nod or shake of the head when asked if she wants to use the potty; this shows that she can now relate the words to the function. She may report accidents by pulling at her pants. Voluntary control may begin. Twenty-one Months: A child reports accidents by pointing at her puddles. She usually tells you after wetting, but sometimes before.She is pleased with her successes, but the number of daily urinations may start to increase and so the accidents may multiply. Two Years: The child has better control and can verbalize her toilet needs fairly consistently. She may go to the bathroom and pull down her own pants. Bowel control may become established as the child attains voluntary control of the muscle that opens and closes to allow elimination. Two and a Half Years: The child is able to hold urine in the bladder for as long as five hours. Two-thirds of children will be dry most of the time. Most are partially trained for daytime bladder control, and nighttime wetting may start to come under control. Three Years: The child has few bowel or bladder accidents. She may be dry all night. Four Years: Almost all children have complete daytime/nighttime bowel and bladder control. Of course, these are just guidelines. Sometimes a child is not physically able to be completely trained “on schedule” because his or her neuromuscular system is not yet mature enough to perform the way you want it to. This is why it’s important to remember that toilet training is not a discipline problem. There is no room for a drill sergeant in the bathroom. Whenever you decide to help your daughter use the toilet and whatever method you choose to do that, your attitude toward theprocess is just as important as your daughter’s. So keep these tips in mind: Be matter-of-fact. If you can stay unemotional about this developmental step you will give your daughter the message that the elimination process is a normal and natural one, a fact of daily living—not something supernaturally wonderful nor horrendously awful. Be tolerant. This will allow you to calmly bear events that are not at all what you had hoped or planned for. When your daughter sits on the potty for ten minutes with no results, for example, and then soils her diaper thirty seconds after you put it back on her, you’ll need lots of tolerance to stay calm and supportive. Be loving. During the toilet-training period, show your child unfaltering love and affection. Make a point of offering lots of hugs and smiles. Let her know that if an accident happens, your arms will always be a safe place to run to.