It’s quite normal for all toddlers to seek out every conceivable danger and do exactly what they’re told not to do. They have no selfcontrol and no real concept of consequences. Unfortunately, all the scolding and disciplining in the world will not make them understand these things until they get a little older. Because little girls find it so easy to get themselves into mischief, they need our help to stay out of trouble as they walk, run, stumble, and explore the world around them. At this age, the most effective way to keep your daughter out of trouble is to eliminate temptations. Keep her environment relatively free of no-no’s— items such as stereos, jewelry, and cleaning supplies should be kept out of her reach. You will not stop a toddler’s curiosity by saying, “No, don’t,” all day long. This is not discipline; it’s systematic aggravation.In situations where your daughter digs in her heels and is ready for a fight, try distraction before confrontation. Bring out a favorite toy, draw attention to a new activity, put on some dance music. You can also distract her with a hug and a kiss. Toddler upsets are often caused by frustration and are remedied with comfort and reassurance. Very often she’ll gladly call a truce and move on without a fight. While working to avoid trouble, you can also teach your daughter what she can and can’t do by setting limits. Limits are rules that give structure to a toddler’s world and help her feel secure. Consistent limits teach all children what is expected of them and how they should behave. Although toddlers may not appear to like the idea of rules, without them their world is too overwhelming and uncontrollable. After repeatedly testing you to see if you really mean what you say, your child will like the feeling of being able to count on certain things. The limits you set should always be clear, consistent, and fair. Whenever you make a rule, test it against these factors: Limits Should Be Clear: A toddler’s language skills are still weak, so your rules should not be too long or verbal. Simply say, “Don’t pull my hair. It hurts me.” Limits Should Be Consistent: If you say “no” this morning, and “yes” this afternoon to the same behavior, you can create a problem that will drive you crazy. It’s like working a slot machine—your child quickly learns that if she keeps whining and crying, every so often the effort will pay off. Limits should be fair: If your daughter continually breaks every rule you set, you may have too many or inappropriate rules. A toddler’s memory is just now getting into gear; it’s impossible for your daughter to remember all the dos and don’ts of the world. So limit the number you expect her to remember to perhaps the two or three that really matter. After a divorce, the parent-child relationship often changes. A study reported in American Psychologist noted that the custodial parent (usually the mother) becomes stricter and more controlling, while the other parent becomes permissive and understanding, though less accessible. Both parents make fewer demands for children to mature, become less consistent in their discipline, and have more difficulty communicating with their children. The two methods you can use to enforce your rules are praise and punishment. Many parents have found that praise is by far the more powerful enforcer because it gives kids the positive attention they crave. However, the need for this attention is so strong right now that your daughter may learn to misbehave just to get it. That’s why she’ll act up as soon as you get on the phone—she knows she can’t get your attention without making a scene. To her, negative attention is far better than no attention at all—but far better to give her positive attention. When you catch your daughter being good, stop and praise the effort. For example, “It’s so nice to see you being good to the dog.” If you do this often, you’ll find you won’t need to scold her quite so much for mistreating the dog. Punishment, on the other hand, should be used far less frequently—even though that’s the method of teaching good behavior most of us are more familiar with. We can all tell stories about discipline that begin, “When I was growing up . . .” But times have changed and because we now know that toddlers are unable to make any connection between their behavior and physical punishment, it’s usually more effective to think of punishment as an opportunity for teaching a logical and age-appropriate consequence (that does not involve pain). For example, if your daughter hits another child, hitting her as punishment doesn’t make sense and doesn’t teach her what she did wrong. Instead, she should be told not to hit and then immediately removed from the play area. If she throws a tantrum out of frustration, she should be helped through the frustrating experience or ignored until she calms down (as explained a little later), not shaken or spanked. An effective punishment for a toddler is a brief time-out to remove her from the center of attention. To get the most benefit from a time-out, choose a location that’s away from the action to make your child feel somewhat isolated, but close enough for you to keep an eye on her. If she won’t voluntarily go to the time-out chair, lead or carry her to the chair. Expect protests and ignore them. Make your daughter stay in the time-out chair for just a short time (one minute for each year of age is a good guideline). When the time is up, welcome your child back. Having to sit in a chair may not sound like a very impressive punishment, but remember, more than anything else, your child wants your attention. A timeout takes this away from her. Setting limits and using praise and punishment wisely is a good start in teaching your daughter to behave. Unfortunately, it won’t be enough to end tantrums completely. At this age, a child begins to develop a strong sense of self and wants more control over her environment. The conditions are right for power struggles: “I do it myself” or “Give me.” When a toddler discovers that she can’t do it herself and that she can’t have everything she wants, the stage is set for a tantrum. Being tired, hungry, uncomfortable, frustrated, or in need of attention can all also prompt a child to have a tantrum. Growing up can sometimes be just too much for toddlers to bear. So what should a parent do when a two-foot-tall demon child starts screaming and kicking? Most of us go with one of two common reactions: either give the child what she wants to quiet her down, or throw our own angry tantrum right back. In rational moments we know neither of these options is helpful, but when tempers flare it’s hard to know what else to do (especially when the dramatic scene occurs in public—as it most often does). I’m not saying it’s easy, but the experts who have studied how to best control the behavior of a toddler say we should talk to our screaming meany firmly but calmly. Say, “You will not get what you want by crying and kicking your feet. When you calm down, we’ll talk about your problem.” Then, they say, we should create some calming-down time by sending her to her room or to the time-out chair, or by ignoring her. This helps a child feel she has some control over the situation and it keeps her sense of self and competency intact. I have to admit, when I had the presence of mind and the fortitude to handle a tantrum this way, I got the best results and it makes perfect sense. Even a toddler will soon figure out that there’s no point in putting on a show if there’s nobody there to watch. Teaching a toddler to behave and show self-control is not easy. It is a very slow and not-so-steady process. The key is to be patient and to never tire of repeating yourself. A toddler’s memory is not very good. What you explained last week means nothing this week. Her impulsive nature makes it very difficult to stop misbehaving even when she does remember the rules. That’s why you must select a few important rules and repeat them over and over to help your daughter eventually learn what’s right and what’s wrong in the world she lives in.
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